Is Your Child Alienated?

IS YOUR CHILD REJECTING ONE PARENT? In divorce or separation, 10% – 15% of children express strong resistance to spending time with one of their parents – and this may be increasing in our society.  It may be the father or mother. It may be the parent the child “visits,” or the parent where the child lives. Is this the result of abuse by the “rejected” parent?  Or is this the result of alienation by the “favored” parent?  The idea that one parent can alienate a child against the other has been a big controversy in family courts over the past 20 years, with the conclusion that there are many possible causes for this resistance.  Most courts take reports of alienation very seriously and want to know if this is the result of abuse or alienating behavior.  Resistance to spending time with a parent is always a serious problem. This needs to be investigated, fully understood, and treated with counseling in many cases. Otherwise, the child’s future relationships may be much more difficult.

IS THIS THE RESULT OF ABUSE? The first concern of the courts is protecting the children.  If there are reports of child abuse as the cause of the child’s alienated behavior, the judge may make a protective order restraining contact with the “rejected” parent, such as a temporary order for supervised visitation.  If you are the “rejected” parent you may feel that supervised visitation is unnecessary or insulting. Yet this may be your biggest help, as someone neutral can observe the child’s behavior and your relationship.  Often the judge will say that he or she will not make any assumptions and wants more information before understanding the cause.

IS THIS THE RESULT OF “PARENTAL ALIENATION SYNDROME?” It is important to know that the courts across the country have not adopted the idea that there is such a syndrome.  A syndrome requires a generally accepted cause and effect, and there are many possible causes of children’s alienated behavior (abuse by a parent, alienating behavior by a parent, lack of emotional boundaries by a “rejected”  parent, lack of emotional boundaries by a “favored” parent, developmental stage, outside influences, etc.). Also, despite alienating behavior by some parents, many children are not resistant to spending time with the other parent.  So it is not accepted as a syndrome.  However, the courts generally recognize that some children are alienated – they just don’t know the reason automatically and often want more information.

WHAT ARE THE SIGNS OF AN ALIENATED CHILD? Children who are not abused, but are alienated have emotionally intense feelings but vague or minor reasons for them.  A child might say: “I won’t go to see my father!”  Yet she might struggle to find a reason:  “He doesn’t help me with my homework.”  Or: “He dresses sloppy.”  Or:  “He just makes me angry all the time.”  Another child might say: “I hate my mother!”  Yet again the reasons are vague or superficial:  “She’s too controlling.”  “She doesn’t understand me like my dad.”  These children complain that they are afraid of the other parent, yet their behavior shows just the opposite – they feel confident in blaming or rejecting that parent without any fear or remorse.  Some of them speak negatively of the “rejected” parent to others, then relax when they are with the “rejected” parent.  Others run away, rather than spend time with the rejected parent.  All of these behaviors are generally different from those of truly abused children, who are often extra careful not to offend an abusive parent, are often hesitant to disclose abuse and often recant even though it’s true.

WHY DO ALIENATED CHILDREN FEEL SO STRONGLY? Alienated children generally show intensely negative emotions and an absence of ambivalence.  New research on the brain suggests that this may be the result of the unconscious and nonverbal transfer of negative emotions from parent to child.  The parent’s intense angry outbursts (even if they are rare), intense sadness, and intensely negative statements about the other parent may be absorbed unconsciously by the child’s brain, without the child even realizing it.  The child then develops intensely negative emotions toward the other parent (or anyone the upset parent dislikes), but doesn’t consciously know why.  This may explain the vague or minor reasons given by alienated children for intensely rejecting a good parent.  This spilling over of negative emotions from upset parent to child may have begun years before the divorce, so that the child is very tuned in to the upset parent, and automatically and instantly absorbs their emotions and point of view.

DOES CUSTODY MAKE A DIFFERENCE? If one parent has almost all of the parenting time, then the child will not have his or her own experiences with the other parent to know that he or she is not bad. Most states expect children to have substantial time with both parents – except in cases of abuse.  Ironically, the amount of time is generally not the biggest factor.  The biggest factor is if one parent is constantly spilling over intensely negative emotions to the child about the other parent, while the other parent is following court orders and not addressing these issues at all.  For this reason, children can become alienated against either a non-custodial parent or a custodial parent.  This can be either the father or the mother.  It’s like a bad political campaign, with one side campaigning hard and the other side not campaigning at all.

HOW CAN YOU PREVENT ALIENATION? You might be alienating your child against the other parent or against yourself, without even being conscious of it – especially during a divorce.  Here are seven suggestions:

1. POSITIVE COMMENTS: Regularly point out positive qualities of the other parent to your child.

1. REPAIRING COMMENTS:  All parents make negative comments about the other parent at times.  If you realize you made such a comment, follow up with a “repairing comment”:  “I just spoke negatively about your father [or mother]. I don’t really mean to be so negative.  He has many positive qualities and I really value your relationship with him.  I’m just upset and my feelings are my responsibility, not his and not yours.”

1. AVOID REINFORCING NEGATIVE COMMENTS:  Healthy children say all kinds of things, positive and negative, about their parents – even about abusive parents.  If there is abuse, have it investigated by professionals.  If not, be careful that you are not paying undue attention to their negative comments and ignoring their positive comments.

1. TEACH PROBLEM-SOLVING STRATEGIES:  If your child complains about the other parent’s behavior, unless it is abusive, suggest strategies for coping:  “Honey, tell your father something nice before you ask for something difficult.”  “Show your mother the project you did again, she might have been busy the first time.”  “If he/she is upset, maybe you can just go to your room and try not to listen and draw a picture instead.”

1. AVOID EXCESSIVE INTIMACY:  Children naturally become more independent and self-aware as they grow up. Be careful not to be excessively intimate with your child for the child’s age, as this may create an unhealthy dependency on you.  Examples include having the child regularly sleep with you in your bed beyond infancy; sharing adult information and decisions (such as about the divorce); and excessive sadness at exchanges or how you miss the child when he or she is at the other parent’s house.

1. AVOID EXCESSIVE COMPARISONS:  When you emphasize a skill or characteristic that you have, don’t place it in comparison to weaknesses of the other parent. You each have different skills and qualities that are important to your child.  By comparing yourself positively and the other parent negatively (even if this feels innocent), you can inadvertently influence your child. Remember that your child is a combination of both of you, and thinking negatively of one parent means the child may think negatively about half of himself or herself.

1. GET SUPPORT OR COUNSELING FOR YOURSELF:  It is impossible to go through a divorce without getting upset some of the time.  Protect your child from as much as possible by sharing your upset feelings with adult friends and family, away from your child.  Get counseling to cope with the stress you are under.

WILL THE COURT ADDRESS THIS ISSUE? Routinely, in a divorce or separation, the court will order that neither parent shall make disparaging remarks about the other parent within hearing of the child.  Some courts may ask you for 3 positive comments about the other parent or 3 steps you are taking to protect the child from absorbing your negative emotions toward the other parent. Think about this seriously, so that you are prepared to answer this question if it is raised. Most of all, practice the suggestions described above.

<input id=”gwProxy” type=”hidden” /><input id=”jsProxy” />

<input id=”gwProxy” type=”hidden” /><input id=”jsProxy”>

About the Author

Bill Eddy is President and co-founder of High Conflict Institute. Based on his work as an attorney, mediator and therapist, he developed the “High Conflict Personality” theory and has become an international expert on high conflict personalities. He is the creator of New Ways for Families™, a cutting edge program for divorcing families.

He is the author of several books written for professionals handling high conflict disputes and has provided training on this topic to thousands of professionals across the U.S., Canada, Australia and France. He specializes in training professionals to manage high conflict disputes, especially involving people with personality disorders.  

His seminar participants have included lawyers, judges, mediators, managers, human resource professionals, businesspersons, healthcare administrators, college administrators, homeowners’ association managers, ombudspersons, and others. 

“High conflict people are not just difficult. They are the most difficult people, because they become preoccupied with a Target of Blame—usually someone close to them (such as a spouse, relative, neighbor, co-worker) or someone in a position of authority (boss, doctor, administrator, government official). Managing high conflict people (HCPs) usually involves using skills which are the opposite of what one feels like doing. Learning these skills takes time and practice, but can make an amazing difference in resolving, managing, and containing high conflict disputes.”

As an attorney, Bill is a Certified Family Law Specialist in California and the Senior Family Mediator at the National Conflict Resolution Center in San Diego.  Prior to becoming an attorney in 1992, he was a Licensed Clinical Social worker with twelve years experience providing therapy to children, adults, couples and families in psychiatric hospitals and outpatient clinics. He has taught Negotiation and Mediation at the University of San Diego School of Law for six years and his articles have appeared in national law and counseling journals. (And…in the 1970’s he was a Kindergarten teacher!)

He considers conflict resolution the theme of his varied career.

<input id=”gwProxy” type=”hidden” /><input id=”jsProxy” />

Ben 10: Alien Force – Wii Trailer

Ben 10 Alien Force Figures – Vending Machine Toys $0.01 These Ben 10 Alien Force Cake/Cupcake Toppers will help make any Ben 10 party a big hit! Comes in a sealed bag….

Ben 10 Cupcake Topper Rings Party Supplies for Cake (12) $3.49 12 Ben 10 cupcake or cake topper rings. Can be worn by small finger. Fun for the party/…

Ben 10 Alien Force Insulated Lunch Box – Gray Matter Lunch Box $11.00 Send your kid(s) to school in style with this insulated lunch bag….

Ben 10: Race Against Time $5.57 Studio: Turner Hm Entertainm Release Date: 04/08/2008 Run time: 67 minutes…

Anthology $3.43 1. Courage 2. Movies 3. Flesh And Bone 4. Whisper 5. Summer 6. Sticks And Stones 7. Attitude 8. Stranded 9. Wish 10. Calico 11. Death Day 12. Smooth Criminal…

Ben 10 Ultimate Alien: V.1 (DVD) $5.53 255 characters or less!

Wii – Ben 10: Alien Force — The Game $16.7 Based on the next generation television series , Ben 10: Alien Force begins five years after Ben put away the DNA-scrambling Omnitrix, but now Grandpa Max has gone missing and the planet Earth is in grave danger. Gamers must help Ben take the Omnitrix …

Ben 10 Ultimate Alien: Power Struggle (DVD) $5.6 Description not available.

NinDS – Ben 10: Alien Force — The Game $20.91 Based on the next generation television series , Ben 10: Alien Force begins five years after Ben put away the DNA-scrambling Omnitrix, but now Grandpa Max has gone missing and the planet Earth is in grave danger. Gamers must help Ben take the Omnitrix …

Ben 10: Ultimate Alien – The Return of Heatblast (DVD) $4.89 This release from the animated adventure series BEN 10 includes episodes 21-30 of the show, following the titular hero as Heatblast goes toe to toe with Dr. Viktor, pitting Ben 10,000 against Eon – with superfan Jimmy in the best position to save every…

A Band of Brothers $16.73 Used – In the ten years since his regiment was transported to an alien world, Commander Andrew Keane has bravely fought time and time again for humanity’s freedom. But after he is injured in battle, his confidence is shaken, and his ability to lead is damaged. Seeing their leader struck down also takes its toll on Keane’s men, who have followed him to hell and back. Now, with the Human Republic weakened, their sinister enemies–the Bantags–offer a truce to the two halves of the Republic–one th

A Wavering Grace $237.66 New – Gavin Young first arrived in Vietnam in 1965, just before the American invasion. He spent ten years there forming close ties with the Vietnamese people. On returning to the country in 1985, and then in 1995, he found an alien, embittered place, and a family finding their way back from despair.

A Wavering Grace $192.25 New – Gavin Young first arrived in Vietnam in 1965, just before the American invasion. He spent ten years there forming close ties with the Vietnamese people. On returning to the country in 1985, and then in 1995, he found an alien, embittered place, and a family finding their way back from despair.

A Wavering Grace $131.66 New – Gavin Young first arrived in Vietnam in 1965, just before the American invasion. He spent ten years there forming close ties with the Vietnamese people. On returning to the country in 1985, and then in 1995, he found an alien, embittered place, and a family finding their way back from despair.

A Wavering Grace $138.27 New – Gavin Young first arrived in Vietnam in 1965, just before the American invasion. He spent ten years there forming close ties with the Vietnamese people. On returning to the country in 1985, and then in 1995, he found an alien, embittered place, and a family finding their way back from despair.